I am Free

I recently had a flare-up of a painful stomach problem that began when I was 7 years old. It involves severe pain in my upper left abdomen that lasts for a few hours to a few days. Sometimes the flare-ups happen only once in many years, other times they happen repeatedly for several months.

Back in October I experienced the first episode of what would become the worst flare-up ever. Over the months the pain has become more frequent and more intense until I finally landed in the ER Sunday morning.

32 years ago when this first happened my parents took me to all the doctors. In the end we were told there was nothing really wrong with me, that my stomach was having spasms and that I needed to learn to relax.

I spent the next three decades relaxing. Deep breathing, meditation, flotation tanks, neuromusic. If it could help me relax, I tried it. And it worked. I relaxed. I can relax through anything. I fell asleep in between labor contractions. I can get into a meditative state with my eyes open. I can relax!

But the pain persisted.

Today I saw another specialist who confirmed that 30 years ago the docs were on the right track. The spasms they believed were causing my stomach pain are similar to charley horses in the leg. Excruciating and uncontrollable. But not caused by stress. Furthermore, today's doctor stated very pointedly that while the relaxation techniques I learned in an effort to end the torment were good things, they really could have no impact on what was likely happening in my stomach muscles. After all, what can one do when a charley horse strikes but wait it out trying not to shriek with pain.

I, of course, quipped that my ability to relax was helpful in keeping me from shrieking in pain when Charlie's horse was running amok through my torso.

There are moments of great freedom in life. Some of the greatest moments of freedom come not in the obvious, but in the more subtle undertones of life. Today I experienced just such a moment. Today I was told definitively that my pain is not caused by my inability or failure.

Decades of work and worry over this pain began slipping away as I realized for the first time freedom from this dark shadow. I am not free from the pain. It will continue episodically and all I can hope for is to control the attacks when they come.

I am free from the responsibility for them; from the blame and the cure. I did not cause the pain and I cannot cure it. This is a far better freedom than being pain-free.

This strikes a resonant chord deep within me. Somewhere else I have experienced such freedom. Freedom not from pain, but from blame and from responsibility for the cure.

At the foot of the cross, at the empty tomb, at the throne of the exalted Christ.

Freedom from the blame (for it was my sin, but that has been forgiven) and from responsibility for the cure (for it is a gift from God, King of Kings, that I am cured).

At the foot of the cross, at the empty tomb, at the throne of the exalted Christ. 

That is where I am free.