For two hours a friend and I discussed how to protect vulnerable others within the church context. This friend is a highly experienced, well-regarded, and published psychotherapist who now conducts training for churches in protecting the innocent from predators. Whether it be children abused at home, spouses abusing spouses, children being exploited by adults, sexual harassment, or any other form of abuse or exploitation, she actively gives voice to victims and urges churches to implement measures designed to prevent exploitation on the front end.
Years ago in the midst of my Master's degree I did some reading in the area of childhood sexual trauma and its longterm effects. One book in particular was absolutely chilling and changed the way I parented forever. It was written by Anna Salter and entitled, Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and Other Sex Offenders: Who They are, How They Operate, and How We Can Protect Ourselves and Our Children.
Ms. Salter interviewed convicted sex offenders to discover their means and methods of getting access to our children, gaining the trust of both parents and kids, and, ultimately, exploiting the children. If I never forget one thing I learned in graduate school, it will be this: predators knowingly and intentionally target churches to find their prey.
Predators are smart. They are charming, manipulative, and deceptive. And they know us better than we know ourselves. They know that in a church they will have easy access to children. They know parents will be generally trusting of everyone who looks "normal" and says all the right things, and they know all the right things to do and say. To put it bluntly, predators know that a perfect storm exists within most churches that will make catching their prey relatively easy.
Consequently, I never allowed my boys to roam hallways, play on the playground alone, or even go to the bathroom unattended. Through the years Mark and I have taught the boys clearly, carefully, and thoroughly how to respond to an uncomfortable situation. While some may fear we shattered their innocence at too young an age, I would suggest we have protected their innocence. I would rather have them know what could happen than experience what does happen.
Why, you might ask, are you sharing such dismal lunch fare with the rest of us? This is supposed to be a "lighthearted look at life" as you turn 40!
And so it is. But I think this fits because there are things we can do proactively that do not require churches and church members to mistrust everyone who graces the halls of fellowship. There are ways we can create both a safe environment for our children and maintain a warm and welcoming environment for adults. Churches and church members can proceed with caution without paranoia.
I feel much more "lighthearted" knowing that evil may be thwarted if enough of us illuminate the proactive things we have the power and responsibility to do.
Several years ago, the Methodist church implemented a program call Safe Sanctuary. As a children's program volunteer, I was required to be trained in this program on a yearly basis. Not only did it teach us ways to recognize symptoms of abuse in the children we served, but it required us to sign a contract about our behavior towards these children. Among the requirements was that we were to never be alone with a child. There must always be two adults and two children. I have found it difficult to always follow these guidelines, but I appreciate the church being proactive in protecting both its smallest members and its volunteers.
ReplyDeleteHowever, that does not prevent all potential victimization within the church walls. After watching an interview with a child predator, I learned that predators groom not only the child, but the entire family, to gain trust and opportunity to offend. I hate that it changed the way I look at people close to me, but I appreciate being aware of where danger can lurk.
This is a terrible subject to have to consider, but you are right, learning the places and methods that can be used gives us the opportunity to preemptively protect our children.
That's exactly the kind of program we are talking about. The funny thing is, though, parents are often the hardest to convince it's needed. And you are right, they groom everyone. The kid, the family, church leadership, etc.
ReplyDeleteMy father was a preacher and counsellor, and one of the wisest things he taught me was never to be alone--or at least, uninteruptable--with anyone. He had a routine for his counselling: Mom would enter the room unannounced--just a knock and walk in--and offer tea, or remind him of something. He also refused to promise not to tell his wife. "What you tell me is confidential, but I have to discuss issues with someone wise. I have no secrets from my wife."
ReplyDeleteYour dad was a wise man, Ralph. We have similar rules and have no regrets. No need to take unnecessary risks. Thanks for sharing this.
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