It's been a week since I turned 39 and started this adventure in journaling. I must say, having made a public commitment sure has improved my journaling.
I've never been one to write daily, take pictures, scrapbook, or generally preserve the now for the future. All those a-mother's-journey-to-you kind of books I was given while the boys were gestating sit dusty on my bookshelves. I can see them from where I sit and feel the pang of shame that all they will have is a page or two.
And their baby books? I have them. The firstborn's is about half done, and the rest of the stuff for it is packed safely in the box with it. But the 2nd child? Well, you know the story.
The legacy I pass on will have to be one remembered more than documented.
They will remember my love for God, their daddy, them, and the people who came across our paths. I'm sure they will remember family time at dinner and the conversation and laughter that often ensued. I know they will remember times I lost my temper and yelled. They might remember the way I always apologized afterwards (being sure to tell them my yelling is not because of anything they did nor did my apology indicate any innocence on their part!).
But will they remember the things from my heart? Will they remember how much joy I experienced when they found themselves in their elements? Will they remember the grief I knew when one of them was experiencing the real-world consequences of a bad decision (and by that I do not mean the this-spanking-hurts-me-more thing...I haven't really found that to be true). Will they remember how much their daddy and I tried to move into the shadows so they could shine? Will they even know?
Probably not, for I have not written of those things. And perhaps that's for the best. Kids need to know that parents make deep sacrifices for them, but they will know it when they themselves have children. At that time they will also know the joy that comes from making those sacrifices; not that the sacrifices were easy, but that the kids were worth it. They will have a context for truly understanding the love I have for them even though I never journaled and didn't get their baby books finished.
And from that I hope they get a glimpse of the love God has for them as my relationship with them has given me a glimpse of the love He has for me.
And if I am wrong, at least they will have this to read!
I have trouble recognizing the sacrifices that I make for the boys, I think, because I receive so much in return. How can I consider it a sacrifice when the payoff is so great?
ReplyDeleteAnd never before have I had a better understanding of the love God has for his children than I have from being a parent.
Thanks for making this blog! I am really, really enjoying it!